Aaron keeps prioritising his work, willingly ignoring his body’s alarm signals and his friend’s warnings. Beth and her family wish she could finally let go of her eating disorder and Chang Wook wonders why he keeps the woman he loves at distance.
All of them are smart, reflected and disciplined people. Also, they are frustrated and at the brink of giving up because they feel incapable of changing their behaviour. Countless attempts seem to prove that they just have to resign themselves with their status quo.
Does not sound familiar? Maybe it’s only the New Year’s Resolution or the routine you wanted to install during the lockdown that makes you see yourself lazy or stupid because you just can’t get “it” done, regardless of how many 7 steps lists you followed and how dedicated you were.
Yes, maybe it is because we are creatures of habits – even our brains look for the simplest way. Repeating familiar patterns needs less energy and therefore feels more comfortable. But maybe it’s your default settings that keep you from being successful in that specific area.
Let me illustrate that with a cell phone. Say, Chang Wook wants to replace his automatic reactions with a new way of behaviour, and think of this as an app he would create himself. In order to install it on his device (his life), he would have to enable the developer mode first. Only after that it’s possible to download it and run trials for his own program. Furthermore, the developer mode allows him to delete some pre-installed apps and override the default settings. His phone might do weird things due to some chosen options and it will take a while till the app runs bug-free.
Depending on the brand, this is easy or rather hard work, just as it is with our habits. But it is absolutely possible!
Aaron knows well that his blackouts will become dangerous but feels like he can’t afford to change his dedication to work. He keeps himself busy in order to avoid having time to reflect on himself as he is afraid of what he might find. Who is he without his work? If not his performance and his utility to his environment, what justifies his existence? Or he avoids to take responsibility in an area of life where he does not want to be engaged. An extended look into his family system might reveal that his way of living allows his mum to stay close and even unites his parents in their worries for their child.
Beth’s eating disorder might enable her to execute at least a little control over herself while her life is managed by others. Or it simply protects her from terrifying symptoms she fights due to trauma that intensify whenever her body gains a little strength.
Their behaviours are their way of coping with an issue, it is like their best practice – and as long as the underlying theme is not addressed, the default settings will keep overruling or even hinder attempts of sustainable change.
So how could you enable your own developer mode?
Choose “Time for Self reflection” and identify the function of your unwanted way of acting. Even an explicit harmful way of acting serves you for a specific purpose and is the reason why you keep it. Therefore, an analysis is definitely worth your time and effort.
The following approach might help discover the functionality of your coping strategy.
Take a piece of paper or any item of your choice and name the behaviour, your current “app” if you want so. Watch out for patterns and describe or draw it’s characteristics – Beth might name her eating disorder and say that it appeared at age 13, that the urge to throw up is strongest in the afternoon, that she feels shame and release at the same time, that she uses different methods to control her intake and that her different successes in gaining weight usually end at a specific number.
Note whatever comes to your mind when going through the questions, no matter how funny or absurd an idea might look at first.
o What do I gain / win from this behaviour?
o What do I avoid by acting this way?
o What was different if I did not have it? What would be missing?
o What are typical reactions from others and myself to my behaviour?
o How would my family realise that I adapted or replaced that behaviour?
The next time your app runs as usual, watch how others react and what steps you take. Can you see a clearer pattern? Add your observations to your notes and come back from time to time.
Now think of a way to adapt or replace your usual behaviour in a way that still serves the purpose.
Let’s say Chang Wook has experienced significant persons abandoning him and therefore keeps a distance in order to protect himself from possibly being abandoned once more. Installing acts which deepen the relationship will not prevent him from showing “irrational” reactions that will either shut her out or end somehow else in keeping the distance again and again. This makes sense as long as he needs his protective barrier and his attempts to change do not address his fear. Or say he is afraid that she would leave him once she knew about a specific issue from his past. Chang Wook can choose whether he wants to face his fears, and if so, at what price.
Enable your developer mode by identifying the purpose of a certain behaviour and then install the app of your choice.
Need support? Feel free to contact me ^^